Usually, I’m lying in bed by this time watching my binge of The Simpsons (and if you don’t think I will binge all 29 seasons think again!)
But as always, I find myself sitting in my room with my inner thoughts racing. And this time, it’s getting to the point where I can’t even relax.
I’m always one for positivity, but deep down I’m at war with negative thoughts and critiques about my own decisions in my life. Sure I’m only 21, and in a couple of weeks I’ll be turning 22, but I feel guilty about the fact that I see friends and peers of mine advancing in their lives. Yet I sit here and think that I’m at a standstill and that I’ll be at said standstill for the rest of my life.
Yes, I am happy for them, they’ve all worked hard for their accomplishments. And sure I’ve made strides in my life: graduating college, finding a job within my field (it’s part-time, but it pays the bills), and coming out as gay, but I still feel that I’ve done nothing with myself.
I blame my mental health. I blame my anxiety and my depression for making me think that I am not good enough. I blame it for making me feel that there is more wrong with me (body issues, social issues, I’ve been looking up ADHD in adults, and I see myself within every symptom.) I know I need to see a doctor, but in all honesty, I know that my doctor won’t do much for me.
I’m trying really hard to learn to love myself, but it’s so difficult. I’m trying to learn to reach out for help, but I fear that I will be seen as “annoying” or “attention seeking.” Putting up with anxiety sucks so much.
I know what I have to do to get better. I know that in the long run, I can become a better person and not think of myself as a burden.
I can do it!