After celebrating a great Thanksgiving with my family and having a wonderful 22nd birthday (my birthday fell on Thanksgiving this year), I felt that I had a lot to get off of my chest. Now, this could just be the wine putting this all out there as I am writing this the night before I post this, but this has been eating up for a while.
I try to distance myself from family conversations at get-togethers because of the typical questions of “How is your job going”? or “How’s life handling you”? Because let’s be honest, I feel like my life is not in order. And I know I just turned 22 I’m too young to be worrying about this. But the constant anxiety of it all has me thinking that my life will always and forever be shit.
I’m grateful that I have a job in radio. I don’t care that it’s part-time, it’s my foot in the door to more opportunities. My other job, I’ll be honest, it’s shit. I work at an escape room and feel like I’m not being respected. I want to just walk out, but I know that I’ll be losing another paycheck that puts money in my account. Hopefully, I find something better soon.
Not trying to end things here on a sad note, so I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and is starting to get there Christmas shopping done on Black Friday. I will be working most of the day!
Usually, I’m lying in bed by this time watching my binge of The Simpsons (and if you don’t think I will binge all 29 seasons think again!)
But as always, I find myself sitting in my room with my inner thoughts racing. And this time, it’s getting to the point where I can’t even relax.
I’m always one for positivity, but deep down I’m at war with negative thoughts and critiques about my own decisions in my life. Sure I’m only 21, and in a couple of weeks I’ll be turning 22, but I feel guilty about the fact that I see friends and peers of mine advancing in their lives. Yet I sit here and think that I’m at a standstill and that I’ll be at said standstill for the rest of my life.
Yes, I am happy for them, they’ve all worked hard for their accomplishments. And sure I’ve made strides in my life: graduating college, finding a job within my field (it’s part-time, but it pays the bills), and coming out as gay, but I still feel that I’ve done nothing with myself.
I blame my mental health. I blame my anxiety and my depression for making me think that I am not good enough. I blame it for making me feel that there is more wrong with me (body issues, social issues, I’ve been looking up ADHD in adults, and I see myself within every symptom.) I know I need to see a doctor, but in all honesty, I know that my doctor won’t do much for me.
I’m trying really hard to learn to love myself, but it’s so difficult. I’m trying to learn to reach out for help, but I fear that I will be seen as “annoying” or “attention seeking.” Putting up with anxiety sucks so much.
I know what I have to do to get better. I know that in the long run, I can become a better person and not think of myself as a burden.
I can do it!
I made this blog with the intent on writing something almost every week, hell even something every day!
But I found myself procrastinating as always and putting off what I enjoy doing most.
This past summer has been both relaxing and busy. My job as a part of the promotions crew at Connoisseur Media took up some of my time, while the other half consisted of leisurely time with some friends and family.
Now that summer is coming to an end, my job is beginning to slow down with events as the weather will turn colder (winter is coming folks)! I know that a second job is in the works so that I can save more money for loans.
My mental health has been a roller coaster, and that’s definitely hindered my writing process. I’ve been caught up with a lot of over-thinking and many moments of beating myself up because of the amount of stress I received since graduating from college.
The stress of having to find another job to support me, while also balancing the process of wanting to go to grad school, staying healthy, and having a social life has taken its toll, and it’s slowing down any process of bettering myself. Some of this I’ll get into better detail at another time, but it’s almost 12:30am as I am writing this and would like to go to bed soon so I’ll keep this short and sweet.
I’m going to make it a goal to write on this blog at least once a week. I’ll also set up some little goals for myself to start making my life a bit more positive instead of negative.
So here is to good vibes and positive results! I wish you all the best!